Feb 132014
 
Author Wil Huygen reports on his interviews and observations of gnomes over a period of twenty years. Widely distributed in Europe, particularly Scandinavia and the British Isles, gnomes are found in a few localities in the United States including, I am pleased to report, North Puget sound’s coastal areas.
I expect they are found on islands as well because the gnome has learned to use the otter to cross streams and other bodies of water.
Gnomes are tiny creatures who wear pointy hats and live for hundreds of years in underground dwellings assisted by moles in the digging of sanitary chambers and wells. Gnomes are vegetarians, ovo-vegetarians to be specific as they enjoy the occasional egg of a songbird. Gnomes are expert herbalists, practice natural medicine with occasional emergency surgery.
Mr. Huygen very modestly points out and Rien Poortvliet vividly illustrates the fact that female gnomes have large breasts. Interestingly, because of their short stature decreased gravity precludes the necessity of a brassiere even at very advanced ages, say 350 years.
Never having seen a real gnome, readers will perhaps be acquainted with the “garden gnome” statues and aware that gnomes only appear wearing a tall, pointed, felt hat. It is said that a gnome would rather appear without his pants than without his hat. The hat is the essence of gnomishness. Gnomes are nocturnal, can run at high speed and are, relatively speaking, seven times stronger than man.
They are very clever and can do glassblowing, metal working, pottery, and milling using machines powered by wind; that is, powered by wind as the proximate cause. Long lines are attached to trees and as the trees sway in the wind the energy is transmitted through the lines to various, ingenious machines.
Gnomes have extrasensory perception and are wonderful dowsers. If you could hook up with one you would have no trouble finding a well. Little is known of the sex life of gnomes. Curiously, the female ovulates only once in her long lifetime whilst the male remains potent until about 350 years of age, after marrying at age 100. The gnome gets along with all wild creatures save the polecat and the domestic cat. Consequently, the entrance to each gnome dwelling is constructed with a polecat trap.
I only touch the high points of this most interesting monograph and am not eloquent enough to do justice to the illustrations. There’s much more to learn about gnomes who set a very nice lifestyle example for the rest of us. However, even if they emerge as a force in the world I fear the pointy hat will never catch on.
If you see one, call me.

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  One Response to “I’m Keeping an Eye Out For Gnomes”

  1. I saw one standing brazenly on Anne & Bud’s little bridge over the ditch just yesterday!

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